You wanna call me after your homoerotic shower?
Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
And I just threw up at the table during Mother's Day Brunch.
i would hope so, cause i don't think 'i drove off the road because i was getting some head' is covered in insurance
i think i scared a bird with my dick
Man, the last time I saw you you were giving me a thumbs up while being pulled out the bar by your belt from some girl.
we've had sex 4 times and he still refers to me as 'the chick in my chem class'
Not gonna lie i was comfortable between the allsups air conditioners while you were talking to the cop.
Mango bong: no go. Guava bong: sweet flaming buddha it was delicious. I shall teach you the ways of tropical fruit trees.
He returned my car yesterday. Found a duffel bag with beef jerky, condoms, and a handgun this morning. Slightly concerned
Sorry blacked out and lost my phone. Judging by the looks of my body I fought a cat and fell into a bush.
Im gonna get home and destroy this bag of chicken nuggets with my soul.
We're friends with benifits... The benifits being I'm fucking her boyfriend
If you left your bike out in front, I just watched some dude steal it.
the coup got in the way of sex but inauguration day came thru we did it joe
Randomize
