we were watching porn and trying to copy the position they were doing now i think my hip is dislocated
this is the second time this week i got a blowjob from a crying girl.
More importantly, he hasn't caught an STD yet. I mean I'd say it's luck, but at this point it has to be skill.
Ok seriously I'm living off of bologna but I have 4 handles in the freezer.
The hypnotist is here. He has a black eye and smells like tequila.
You were crying because you hate wine coolers but you really wanted to prove you could finish it
the only good thing about going home with him was that he was prettier than me.
Dude. I've never been with a guy who just wanted to go down on me all the time including while I'm shooting zombies on call of duty. My life is complete.
This girl I interned with got engaged today and I'm just like over here taking plan B with my tacos and PBR.
I'm going to become fluent in fucking Belgian boys
I renamed some of my contacts in my phone before passing out and I have one I cant figure out, its "fucking house elf scum"
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
I don't know when he had the time to do it but he dug a hole in our basement like the shawshank redemption
God help them if any millennials are in the vicinity. Rent is too high and we no longer fear death
Just let a guy I just met eat me out in a shed at a baby shower. May have sunk to a brand new low
Randomize
