Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
I mean. If you don't have time I understand, but my dick doesn't.
My boyfriend woke me up in the middle of the night to have sex with me right before I had sex with another guy in my dream. What a unique sixth sense his penis has.
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
It wasn't until like 4 and when we got off the phone you said god was summoning you back into the bar
Can we go to Home Depot next week? Drunk Kim broke my toilet with a hammer.
I just saw that blonde chick you wanna bang rolling down the hall wearing a Thor mask..
Wow. We're meant to be..
Do me a favor? If you get with him, please lick his abs. Someone has too they're just too beautiful not to.
if anyone knows where my shirt is please let me know and if you know why I don't have my own shirt please also let me know. also do any of you know why I'm missing a bra wire?
Pulling on my sock literally just took me 5 minutes.. The hangover is real
I need my daily rules like rule one don't put your dick in the vacuum cleaner
I'm hoping the sedatives kick in before I drunkenly decide to eat this whole cheesecake.
All I need to do is acquire a Shrek costume.
Please don't traumatize your girlfriend too terribly. Have fun.
Is there such thing as dick sucking teeth guards?
I'm totes in the mood to go home and like blindly inhale dangerous amounts of porn
Randomize
