Yeah well I just ate cereal out of a muffin pan with a fork. I'll flip a coin as to who has to tackle that pile of dishes we've neglected for 3 weeks.
do you know anything about the $5 bill with my name stapled to it in my purse??
Someone just pulled taco bell tacos out of their purse in class....2 problems with here. 1) this class is nutrition 2) taco bell is not open this early.
She said "Lay the fuck down and ill show you how its done. Ill get us both off." I did. And she did. Best words ever said before sex.
he has officially spend more money on me than any other boy. and its all gone to plan b. awesome.
Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
UPDATE: lighting the grill with Bacardi. Haven't slept. Forgot the hamburger buns. Almost out of our eighth handle.
I pretty much have hash tequila and gelato for dinner every night
He asked me not to hook up with anyone else because it would hurt his feelings.. while his arm was around his pregnant girlfriend.
And then we will celebrate by drinking and making fun of him. As per usual.
Driving home this morning in my minion costume makes me rethink the 0 tint on my windows.
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
How did they ever let a trainwreck like myself run a bar?!
We found him. He just came running out of the closet with a bruise on his face saying he has been fighting elves in Narnia for a year.
Ik youre sleeping but fyi its 5:32am I'm sitting in the middle of the road bra less and shoeless with boxers in my hand and no ride. Shits real crazy.
Randomize
