Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
God my Facebook chat is a graveyard of old blowjobz
I just found scrambled eggs in my shower. Thanks for that, asshole.
The neighbors outside are screaming at one another about God knows what and everyone is too scared to go outside and we NEEd more beer
He just took a bite of each taco bell burrito and hid them throughout my apartment. this was 2 weeks ago and have found 30 burritos so far
I plan on showing these boobs to so many people that by the end of it ill just have a shirt of beads.
I'm high and reading a Wikipedia article on circumcision procedure. Help.
I draw, I play three woodwind instruments, I press buttons for eight hours at work and Im studying to be a gynecologist... I guarantee I can make you squirt, babe.
I'm home alone for the next hour and a half, I expect soup and and a willing attitude to do drugs from one of or both of you girls.....annnnnd go
I'm not even pretending to study anymore. I'm straight up sleeping in the library
Idk I'm drinking Sam Adams and wearing new balances so I'm basically a dad
I woke up with a shot glass nestled between my boobs like a baby bird.
btw...it's noon and i'm sitting here drinking wine and eating pixie stix. I really need to find something to do...
She put her coat on went to leave and called me an asshole. I responded with "I never said I wasn't" and then she pounced on me like a cat on cat nip.
Jesus christos I come home and am treated like my vagina is made of gold
Either that or it dispenses candy
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