just bought miller high life, hungry man dinners, and a bottle of lube. you win life, you win.
My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
Nothing says "This dudes gotta go" better than a boner on your back waking you @ 5 in the morning
maybe you should start leaving anonymous bottles of booze on his doorstep with love notes attatched. that always gets me.
the facebook you made of my ass has 10 times more friends than i do.
Every fourth of July I get sentimental when I think back to the one where we drove around baked off our asses crashing multiple cookouts listening to Team America's "America, Fuck Yea" on repeat. I miss us.
I'm gonna cougar town the shit out of that prom.
I approve. Last time I was there, I left E's room to get a drink of water. Found M sitting on the kitchen counter in his boxers hammered and eating a banana. He proceeded to feed me the rest of his banana then went to bed with the lights on. You two will be great.
To the point, I hope I remember where to put my dick when I finally get laid again
You have a 50 50 chance
Normally, it will inspire me to work. Today, it's inspiring me to masturbate.
He came and farted at the same time. My life is over.
Got a $290 noise violation last night for shouting "THE KING OF THE NORTH" til 2 am
Our faces when the strip club was closed looked like the grinch just stole Christmas ☹️
Well, if you do die, I'll bedazzle your coffin.
If you can wrestle my underwear off of me, you can top. It'll be like using an amulet in Legends of the Hidden Temple. Instead of not getting captured, you don't get fucked in the ass.
Randomize
