Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
She has an incinerator in her basement. Have you ever incinerated used condoms?
Lmao what?
It's a yes or no question.
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
the girl walking home behind me started yelling and pointing "i want an ass like hers!" i feel vaguely accomplished.
Edward fifth and chaser hands
You should have seen her, she looked like a skinny Jabba The Hutt
That literally makes no sense
Exactly
Mike is worried about me going on a cruise in June without him....how cute he thinks we are going to last till June
Don't underestimate her when she starts going by "the vodka queen"
Dougie got over his pride nerves. Found him dancing on a float wearing nothing but rainbow boxers.
She asked me if I would fuck her with my storm trooper mask on
I bet you there is porn for people who get off on someone rubbing Chipotle on themselves
I don't need inspirational quotes. If I'm going to be motivated, it will be by anger and spite.
Just had a small freak out because I couldn't get my bra unhooked and thought I was gonna be stuck in it forever.
I watched one of the videos of you hanging from the rafters, and it is both violent and sexual in nature.
2020 sucks, I want a refund
Randomize
