And that's when he stuck his finger up his own ass to prove it would feel good...
You know how I know it's Spring Break? I just passed a car with "South Padre bound" shoe polished on the back. The driver was blatantly drinking a roadie and getting road head.
Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity
You love him. Dinosaurs. Math. Sex.
Party was cancelled. Me and my dog are high as tits. Wanna go roam the outlet mall?
What shirt can I wear out that says 'I may have a broken arm, but it's not the one I give handjobs with'?
People around me are just doing lines of cocaine. Like its no big deal. And I'm just here like.... Y'all want some cheezits?
Rick just drank rum out of a dog bowl after a dog already drank out of it.
I didn't know your ex looked like a male Khloe Kardashian?
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
It's a whole movie about Joseph Gordon-Levitt watching porn and having sex... I NEED to own it..
Well... I got her number now... I think she is a dish best served drunk
Now: to brush my teeth, put on my grandma slippers and earplugs, masturbate to 50 Shades and then PTFO
Is this because I accidentally peed on you?
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
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