New pre-game routine....wal-mart bathrooms...quality beers for free...hallelujah
he was wearing 3D glasses the whole time.
We're too lazy to do dishes, so we're making sangria in a flower vase.
The milf did the body paint, come to the bar
I hate find pieces of condom wrappers on carpet. It's like god is throwing flakes of shame for me to vacuum up
I just did a line of coke with an Olympic bronze medallist. I guess we know why he only got bronze.
She told me that for every Ravens touchdown, I'd get to come once.
Marry her. Marry her now. I'll help you steal the ring.
he sent me the greatest dick pic I've ever received.
he actually took the time to cut a fingertip off of a glove then put it on his dick like a beanie. he called it hipster dick.
woke up and somehow me leather belt got torn in half. either we partied with the hulk or some chick just could not wait to see my dick. probably the former tho
He smells like ham and a lifetime of poor choices
It was going very smoothly until she noticed my boner of hope.
Got out of the uber to projectile vomit in the McDonald's drive thru. Gonna take a break from the Cuervo for a while.
I just put a pill up my vagina. It was little like a quail egg. There is so much happening up there right now.
Honestly, this social distancing bullshit is giving me a good excuse for drinking alone.
Yeah but now he has a wife. It’s going to be different this year
So what. We’ve banged every Thanksgiving since high school. She just has to understand it’s a holiday tradition
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