i think i have reached a jessica simpson level of regret
she looks like luggage that fell from a plane
I just walked into his bathroom to see two poops floating... no toilet paper. WTF!?
5 Four Lokos being cheaper than a case should be illegal.
I didn't think moms care packages could get better than greygoose, weed & double stuffed oreos, but she just snet me a chocolate bar full of mushrooms.
Found a single cinnamon toast crunch between my butt cheeks. We did work last night
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
Sorry. My phone died in the middle of you explaining why we would never work as a couple. Whatever you were gonna say, I probably agree.
i'm so glad to be in bed i'd like to thank the acadermy
Come on, what straight woman, gay man, or bi person HASN'T scrolled through Justin Trudeau pictures after a bad day?
Apparently, im the only one in the world who thinks Larry King is hot.
I told you naked hot tub wrestling would turn bad now one of us has a gash on the head and another a black eye
You know tonight's gonna be a good night when your already planning on sleeping in a trunk
Sometimes i wish my vagina automatically turned itself off when i'm legally drunk.
I just group texted a dick pic. Wonder who'll respond back first. Ashley Stacey or my stepmom
Randomize
