happy birthday! Any relationship between us is now officially illegal.
Threw a lawn chair at the neighboors dog. I think I killed him. Come here and assess this
When the cops came you just told them you'd go to your time out corner.
using smirnoff bottles as a pillow actually isnt as uncomfortable as you would think
Did you rob me and blame it on the strippers?
I would personally love to see the surveillance video of me throwing my stuff inside, peeing on the sidewalk, then crying hysterically when I realized I locked myself out. Again.
I love you. Happy valentines. Satin Patricks dayyyyyyyyyy. Alreadythrew up. Geeeeerait.
As I am reading this. I'm standing in my underwear eating taquitos. I'm saying this in the most loving way possible: FUCK OFF.
I woke up this morning half naked, smelling like an ash tray, with an empty bottle of jack next to me, and now someone named Dora the anal explorer is texting me.
The sad part is I didn't even want to get laid. I just wanted the emotional connection, but my vagina was screaming "TOUCH ME. TOUCH ME RIGHT NOW BECAUSE MY DADDY ISSUES ARE MUCH DEEPER THAN MY EMOTIONAL NEEDS!" Vodka has a way of getting me out of my emotions and gets me fucked every time.
I just tried to brush my hair with a can opener. Who gave you that brownie
I can't even spell what he said he was on. And I had to call 4 people before someone had heard of it.
These last 48 hours have just been about deleting my most recent snap story
HE CHOSE A RESTAURANT AND MADE A FUCKING RESERVATION. I AM SHOOK
I’m going down on him like an Oompah Loompah on roller skates.
That makes no sense, but good luck
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