I was eating out this girl yesterday and when I finished, she asked me if I wanted to take any home with me. She was serious, dude!
What does that even mean?
They still haven't come up with a cure for a hangover; good luck cancer.
last night i found where hot topic managers go to die after they get fired.
ok, I understand that your bathroom door is broken, but at least close the blinds next time you take a shit. The entire parking garage just watched you.
there is a dorito bag in my car full of my mouth blood
Bring my gorilla suit and my bong.
Oh its going to be that type of weekend?
we left the music on while we were fucking. some kanye west song started playing and he started to cry
I truly just stopped puking in my 730 am calculus class, looked up, corrected my professor, then resumed puking my eyes out. He was both impressed and disgusted.
Is this the guy that did shots off my ass at the beach? Haha
I'm dressed as a caveman and drunk so that's not really an option
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
I'm like the big dick whisperer.
I love you, and I just washed my hair in my work sink with handsoap.
immediately after sex he started talking to me about nerdy stuff he meant to text me earlier, I'm completely smitten
Now all my porn is stored in my parents’ basement. It’s like a part of my soul is boxed up
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