She called me Jeff during sex, I just kept going like nothing happened. To think, if I was a woman that would be a problem.
when the police officer said he was gonna take a picture of the car accident, you asked if you should pose on the hood
I really wanna punch him. Right in his cell-phone-sized penis
Apparently she buried shit in the snow back in January and now that it's melted I found a flip flop, 4 spoons, a bottle of smirnoff, and 14 different candy bars
At beerfest, hammered, going to try to not get naked in public but i cant make any promises
wore my lacy blue thong that says "hello there" across the front today for my gynecologist appointment. I live to make people uncomfortable
Puked in the trees at home depot, I told everyone it was fertilizeerr
When Pony by ginuwine plays I pretty much just grind on the nearest penis.
And that facial hair. He might as well shave it so it spells "douche" on one cheek and "nozzle" on the other.
Shirley Temple died. We owe it to her to get dirty shirley wasted.
Eating chips and sending nudes. This is my life.
Apparently I promised everyone at the party I'd partake in various winter sports with them..
I told him I might be pregnant and he said he'd buy me a test and a twix bar. I'm marrying him. Tomorrow.
So learned a new trick last night.... Taking body shots from my own tits... Mom would be so proud
Drunk me bought a cell phone last week and began texting sober me. The conversation between the two is still on going.
Randomize
