Ps there is totally a drug addled prostitute in olympic pizza asking for change for a 100 bill
at church Sunday morning I dropped an M&M down my dress and it landed in my bra. I fished it out and ate it. A lot of people saw me.
Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
He is offering to pay me back by sending me a dick pic.
.......................................
My thoughts exactly.
Two bottles of champagne and half a pizza later, I'm crying myself to tears watching The Nanny. Happy finals week.
Why is my drynk life bleeding into my real life
You got in the cab and told the cab driver "we only have seven bucks so you better drive fucking fast".
I've been buying my puppy dildos for chew toys. I can't wait till a girl comes over and my dog is gnawing on a giant black cock
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
when we woke up this morning she was missing two teeth. the front two.
I've decided to give up hard drugs for the rest of the year.
Just Peed in a cup for my country. Fighting the good fight.
PS there is a naked boy in my bed and I just left for the bar...
Fuck me I smell like cheese
Look, if it comes down to it, I’m spraying whipped cream on your nuts
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