SEEEEXXX PLEASE
i need a shirt that says "I fuck trainwrecks"
A man in denim coveralls just shotgunned a beer on the dance floor
I'm sitting next to some random guy in a gorilla suit drinking out of a bottle of vodka.
He's majoring in Religion
For when you/if you wake up tomorrow.. You broke 4 of the bar's glasses tonight and I am currently watching you as you ride the broom around the bar instead of cleaning up your mess. I am no longer able to come up with excuses for you.
allie, at least he made an effort and braided his goatee.
Ahhh sometimes you just need a thermos of whiskey in the library
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
We were licking ciroc off the poker table
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
please come back they are interrogating me about masturbation
You ran full speed into the glass door with your Patron and yelled "FEEL THE RHYTHM, FEEL THE RHYME"
I have mastered the art of having sex on monkey bars.
I am so horny. It's like all the stress of finals week has relocated to my vagina.
Randomize
