i fucked her mom dude
there's something to tell the kids
Fun fact: Antibacterial soap will not take the combined smell of bbq sauce and vagina off your hands.
Nobody has ever asked me for my honest opinion on whether they needed anal bleaching before
He broke hus nose arm jousting with the traffic cones... We need to make head shots illegal or get helmets or something
He gave me such a powerful orgasm I blurted out I love you. This is why just rebouding out of a serouis relationship is awkward.
you left me with this keg alone. this is on your hands
I'm a gay man planning my brothers bachelor party, and he choose someone else to be his best man. I hope they like appltinis and gay clubs. Bastard.
I got back at him the only way I knew how, by hooking up with the guy he hates from their rival fraternity.
tell me there's a reason my bed smells like paint thinner
It was total unicorn galloping on a fucking rainbow awesome.
And apparently I was the one that started the drunken make out session that broke the window
Apparently I told him he would be good for human sacrifice.
I DID NOT GO INTO HOURS OF STRENUOUS LABOR FOR YOU TO LOOK LIKE A DOMINATRIX BARMAID ON A WEEKDAY. AT LEAST SAVE IT FOR THE WEEKEND GDI.
Got pulled over today for going 90 in a 40 zone with my leg out of the window. Still got out of the ticket. I'm getting way too good at this. Wanna trade bodies so we can see if it's my boobs or my charm?
PSA. Do not shart while wearing a jock strap at work. That is all.
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