I wish there was a facebook app that filtered my notifications to show only the ones having to do with people who'll fuck me.
Sitting in class thinking wow im glad im not hungover...and then i realized im still drunk.
Last night after we fucked, I washed my vag in vodka so I wouldn't get an STD
Or, you could have used a condom
Well i have to fuck at least one of your roommates this year to keep the tradition alive.
I woke up naked in my bathtub at 5:30 this morning. There's legit a spray tan body print of me in the fetal position in my tub.
You're the only true friend I have, if true friendship is based off who would be there for me at 4am during a boxed wine crisis.
Yeah but I get laid and I know. He drank toilet water last night and he doesn't know about that either. Still makes me happy though.
Apparently I got mad at you for "Not drinking with me till we thought we were seahorses" and smashed my face on your door. Then I put my feet in the oven and started crying because I was drinking alcohol from a pot. My life is spinning out of control.
when I went into his room, he was sleeping on his stomach, almost as if to silently say, "you're not touching my dick tonight".
I went to a community college and majored in Bad Decisions. I'm not exactly a chick magnet.
I feel like I just did it with Buster from Arrested Development. Taking a shower. #winefail
Good god you suck at this wake up call. Seriously. If I can, after consuming enough vodka to subdue a russian soldier, muster up enough motivation to call you in the morning and send you naked pictures the least you could do is pick up.
He signed my ass with a Waffle House pen.
She had a toddler. It threw up and then some guy said party foul and put it on the porch. Going back next Friday.
Lmao. K I'll be 100% honest. I was over at your place like 12 hours ago with your roommate. If I hadn't of been there then I'd take you up on your booty call offer. So. If you're not creeped out another time please?
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