my dad just secretly slid me a nugg in front of my mom. remind me why I moved away for college??
i just realized i've been trying to levitate the potatoe chip out of her hand for the past ten minutes. i think i smoked to much.
My Hamptons summer hookup resume reads like a walk-in clinic waiting list.
There is something about drinking on a golf course and getting with younger women that just really makes me feel at home.
Is it bad to use cherry nyquil as substitute for grenadine? Because i just went there.
Nah, totally cool. It already has the alcohol in it.
I literally ate my thanksgiving dinner while getting a lapdance. And honestly, after that, there is no other way.
I'm about to cry with happyness at the beer that will be consumed
his mom and i are swapping prescript pills..totally mother in law material.
if you want blown tonight you're gonna have to take me up on that offer now. in less then 45 minutes you're gonna be blacked out and i'm not doing something i'm not getting credit for in the morning.
I had to feed him the pizza because he was too blazed to do it himself
Only you would have to block the fucking governor of Tennessee from reading your tweets
I woke up surrounded by goldfish. Thank God my laptop was here too. Now I don't have to leave my bed all day.
He sent me a blank text message. That's a booty call waiting to happen
Man i fell asleep on a random persons porch on the way home and woke up to the family banging on the windows trying to wake me up
Nothing like walk of shaming to the bus stop in your bar clothes at noon and seeing the fire truck you work on drive past with the other shift giving you thumbs up.. Brotherhood at its finest
Randomize
