the the hell do you 'accidentaily" jizz on a shirt thats folded in a drawer?
i found a dude playing guitar on the portapotty
It was like a drunk episode of Dora the Explorer. In English.
she always made me post sex PB&Js it was like fucking a trashier Martha Stewart
the realtor just asked me if i've ever made meth on this property.... i need to do something about my hair
He stole the megaphone off an ATM then we drove around so he could tell people not to jaywalk.
Im done having sex . he ruined it for me after he said " can we use my penis as a shovel ?"
Just did coke off of a cross necklace and am headed to the strip club. Happy Easter!
It's like a squid of pain has attached to my head and it spreading it's whorey tentacles all over.
Seriously, webMD this shit for me, I cant move and I dont wanna die until I have something worth fighting over in my will
Qdoba locked their bathrooms last night.. I suppose so people didn't pee all over them? I considered it counter productive considering I just peed on the outside of their building then. I had to pee
You looked at me, said I was a nice guy. Then you drunkenly climbed on top of me and said you liked me and wanted me.
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
The gate guard just said to me, "I almost didn't recognize you in uniform. Welcome back." I think I need to lay off the booze.
We're sitting on the kitchen floor drinking and talking about mounting real light sabers to the dog's head.
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