Me too ba-by. I wanna bite your ear lobes they are so fat.
just caught grandpa beating off in the living room
I gave her a mint afterward. It felt like giving turndown service at Hotel BJ.
I'm driving up the street and can't tell if my ears are actually about to pop or not.
A solid 8.5 on the baked meter, I need to stop.
He stumbled into my room, flopped on my bed, shoes on my pillow and asked me for a juice box. Then fell asleep with the juice box on his forehead.
I just held a marble with my kegel muscles for 5 min. You may call me COCKCLAMP 9000!!!!
I cancelled the entertainment for your b-day party.... Keep the bouncy castle just in case.
How much more is Amanda Bynes going to rip out our hearts?!?!?
you take my contact solution?
drank it last night then filled it with brandy for the plane ride.
I ran into a wall that clearly had things popping out. My eyebrow was bruised, both arms, the bottom of my foot. Lost half of my finger nail, my fake eyelash was stuck in my hair and I have about 47 blurry pictures of a half naked zombie DJ.
I left at 4:30 in the morning and I told him it was because I had to take my contacts out
Why the fuck was I face down on the floor with you mounting me like a horse anyway? I'm so confused
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
Her hot older sister walked in on us, looked me up and down, then stared straight at her and said "I call sloppy seconds on this one" then left. I'm still debating on how I feel about that.
I'm at the fucking ritz Carlton and I would leave here to cuddle with her. Not even fuck, just cuddle. What th hell is wrong with me?
I think it's called love, bro
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