I called for backup and had two guys carry him to the shower. The bigger guy offered to wash his hair.
I'll probably just lay on my couch bra-less sipping wine out of a straw so I don't have to lift my head.
Fuck. I'm going to pass the savings right on to the strippers. It's trickle down economics.
These shoes are way too nice for a walk of shame. Its how I keep myself in line.
Drinks appeared in front of me. Who am I to deny destiny? And by destiny, I mean free drinks, which appear by magic.
Legitimate concern. Who am I going to have birthday sex with?
its kind of scaring me that i am turned on by tom cruise in rock of ages
He put himself in the friend zone by calling me dude all night so I blew his friend. Judge me.
And my coffee table looks like something out of Scarface
$150 and 3 orgasms. Dogsitting is awesome.
This whole pope visit thing is ruining me having sex.
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
If you fuck up my birthday by dying I will kick your fucking corpse.
I jus want to remember tomorrow how proud I was tonight for wearing my rainbow leggings as a long sleeved shrug I feel like fucking MacGuyver
cant one of your roommates drive you?
You came in my eye once. You owe me.
ill be there in 20
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