i just spit dirty mouth water on my dentist. and apparently grinning sheepishly and saying "my b" doesn't make it better
I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
but really, i care about skinny girls as much as michael vick cares about rotweilers
why is there an outline of nathan's body on my wall in whip cream?
We JUST got rid of the new years fatties at my gym and now the spring break fatties are here. goddamn.
he threw my burrito on the ground and said im too drunk. fuck that guy.
Some old truck driver just made me smell his beard I hope tonight turns out better
Guess who just screamed "Everything happens for a reason!!" in the abortion clinic. This girl.
Gold rum. Strong marijuana. Jabba the Hut in stilettos. Deep thigh bruise. Yes, thal all happened. Sorry dude.
It was fine until he came back to my place, grabbed a beer, HIGH-FIVED me, and left.
How much booze could a drunk brad chug when a drunk brad does chug booze?!?
All. The answer is always all
Wet should excavate the hamsters out of the front yard n give them a proper burial.
You told your family you're bi over the phone?!
We were talking about exes and it just came out....and so did I.
Yeah, so if you ever try to steal it, just know my tongue's been on it in several occasions. All over it.
holy shit! you were walking down a hill and just happened to be passing a trash can like 4 ft away and projectile vomited over a fence into the trash can. kept walking and drank a beer.
Randomize
