You really need to take down the pics of you and your boyfriend on facebook. It's becoming increasingly harder to jerk off while i'm Facebook stalking your pics at 2am.
Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
Brutally Honest is my real middle name, Princess just sounds better.
I faked it too. I just spit on your bed.
hot twin vs twin who's good in bed. why do my life choices same way unfair
And then like 10 minutes later they were taking a bath together. HOW DOES HE DO IT.
Also, we should really buy some bandaids. Right now I'm using toilet paper and scotch tape, but I don't really think that's sanitary.
Listen. You seriously only live once... there aren't that many cinco de mayos left until someone knocks u up and u have to have a shotgun wedding. Man up.
The plan was to get laid... Now the plan is to survive.
I asked you if you wanted to go to the ER, have me sew it up or just wrap it in duct tape and keep on keepin on. You just said YES. I remember very little after that.
You're a good friend.
would you like to venture to the magical clitoris forest?
On a scale from 1 to banned, how offensive do you think it would be to wish my vibrator happy Valentine's Day on various social media outlets?
Your girlfriend agreed to a threesome, I saw dogs in a bar. It seems life is falling into place for us
It was like Lady and the Tramp, but just tramp and the tramp. And instead of spaghetti and meatballs, we had whiskey and cups
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