I admire the strength of friendship we have that allows for sharing husbands.
well you can't waste a boner
Just had to return the shit I stole from the dining hall, with everyone watching...apparently there ARE consequences for being drunk, coked up and belligerent.
In less than 3 minutes we had 3 security guards running after us
The last thing I remember is ordering two Martinis while yelling 'CAN YOU PUT THAT IN ONE GLASS?'
My roommate says its rare that you can be tear gassed before you lose your virginity so i feel accomplished in life
Just explain how I got from the bar to a house I've never been in, waking up to a cop in uniform ripping a bong
I might have been fine if i had magic teleportation powers and could have skipped the car ride between bar and home
I found your wallet in my underwear drawer......... Don't worry I don't plan on asking any questions
A guy wearing a shirt that says "eat shit and die motherfucker" just held open a door for me. He's got manners.
He walked into the pizza shop... Pulled the fire alarm.. And proceeded to dance to it...
Not sure how a movie about Jesus has managed to make me feel insecure about my boobs but it has.
Guess I was throwing darts at a patrons head last night, lol! Black out
My vag is like the Sahara
Ew that's gross.
The sad truth. Barren and empty.
Definitely had a dick in my ass while watching the Seahawks win. Best NFC Championship game ever.
Randomize
