Is it too weird if im a sexy tampon for halloween?
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
it's like god just wants me to be high for five days in a row. keep the blizzards coming.
I miss your penis. And I totally say this as a friend. I just miss it because it's great. You should be very proud of it.
When I was with my girlfriend I was averaging 1 random hookup a week. In the 2 months I've been single I haven't got any. I think I need her back.
He was sitting at the table eating ice and said, "I'm pretty sure everyone in my family has nipples."
So apparently we wrote "Lube Shopping" in Paula's diary on every friday for the rest on the year....
This is how baked we were last night. Our drinking game: We stare at each other; first one to laugh drinks.
yeah, never be friends with someone with shitty eyebrows.. they obviously already make poor life choices
I still don't know his name but his ass is spectacular. Like he should never wear pants.
Can't trust a bar that doesn't have fireball
I'm prostituting myself for tickets to Disney World. There's a contradiction there.
There's glitter all over his bed from my Pink VS panties... I think I might invest in similar styles as a way of marking my territory just incase.
Well I only snuggle him I don't hump him. That's rude.
And with the bitter taste of failure in my mouth, i am off to pub to drown it in tequila and 19 year olds, so in the morning i can add pregnancy and stds to my list of problems.
Randomize
