Just puked in a mcdonalds cup while driving. Didn't even swerve.
Practice the "sorry I may have given you herpes" conversation with me before I call him and break the news
He showed up to fuck me at the same time the pizza guy did. It was like everything I needed just showed up at my stoop.
Noooo. I told you she WAS a cancer. Not that she HAS cancer. This was the one time being a doctor didnt get you laid you alcoholic bastard
there isn't one for "I'll give you an I'm sorry blowjob" but that's also an option you have. in the meantime here is an emoticon of a caterpillar
There was a reason God said "Let there be titties" on the Fifth Day.
I'm like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I'm three for three. I'm on a roll.
I found a half composed text to you this morning and all it said was HELP M. Is that how I ended up at the bottom of the stairwell in only a tee-shirt and one heel?
considering I never received the text I would go with 'yes'.
So... crashing at the hot bartender's place is not a solid marital decision.
The funny part was that the cop pulled us over cause the park was closed, not because I had just come up from giving the guy a blowjob when the cop drove by.
how does spending your day off taking me to the hospital sound?
Yeah he told me he wanted a serious relationship, but he's posting pictures of his dick on Kik.
I'm just going to take the mature adult root and ignore him for a bit, and then pretend like I didn't see him jerking off.
Sorry for face licking, I probably won't do it again.
Also, I love cats. I sat on the floor and they sat with me.
Came up to an intersection and someone was blasting My Chemical Romance at like 9 AM. They're DEFINITELY having a good day
Randomize
