a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
When he took off his pants i accidently shouted "that is one small wiener," and thats when he left
you'd think someone with a dick that small would take what he could get
just jacked off with my ROTC uniform on. boy i feel like an american.
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
This girl named her kid Rainforrest. If I die, just know it was from laughing so fucking hard.
I was really sad when you left and cried. And i don't know what a face promise is, but apparently i made you make one.
Have you ever tried running while drinking 151?
And he was super vague about his life, it was frustrating. I totally boned a homeless guy, didn't I?
I think that's the key to being an adult though... Get those rapid fire beer shits out I the way early, then you can go about your grown man business
Just saw the ex while I was at CVS at 3am buying Depends for my heavy flow
i left you alone for two hours TWO HOURS & when i got back i had to rush you to the hospital because you were covered in Smooth Away pads & drinking the bong water..
It's very disconcerting to wake up and she is gone. I never know where she could be. It's like playing wheres Waldo but Waldo could potentially be drunk and wandering around in weird places that normal Waldo's don't go.
The logic in me says "don't text him" .But the vagina in me says "text him".
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
The air tonight was full of shame when we saw each other.
Well if u wouldn't have had sex on the front porch last night I think that could have been avoided.
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