I should have bought two bottles, she left before I could feel her tits...
is it bad that the cashier at chick-fil-a shouted "see you tomorrow!" as i drove away?
I'm sorry, but there's just something about mesh over nipples that irks me.
i think beer pong is the only time ive ever found a use for geometry
We fucked standing up with my right leg over his shoulder. Thank you mom and dad for having once enrolled me in gymnastics. It has finally paid off
I just watched Jersey Shore so I would know what rock bottom was when I reach it.
I just woke up at my desk with "To Whommmmmmmmm" typed on a letter. I have no memory of waking up, getting dressed or driving in.
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
What is their policy on bow ties and belligerence?
I swear I can feel something in my uterus. Like, I can feel his sperm searching for an egg. Wtf...
The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.
You're the only meteorologist I listen to.
I had a dream he was standing in front of me naked and flexing while yelling VICTORY and gizzing all over the floor.
well that's the third time this semester that I've projectile vomited walking to class in front of dozens of people
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
THEY WILL NOT STOP FLINGING CARDS AROUND THE ROOM! It has been four hours. HOW CAN IT STILL BE ENTERTAINING?!?! I will be under the table if you need me.
Randomize
