somebody snuck up and got me drunk
she was bad bro. like...id rather put my dick in a blender. twice.
i threw up on the table at the pizza place and peed in her room mates closet. i wouldnt invite me back either
She literally crushed my balls between her butt cheeks. It was both the greatest and worst thing ever. Dancers are awesome.
I found a fried uncrustable on the table from last night.
Got to the gym, getting changed, found a jello shot in my shoes.
Yeah man it sucked balls. People on the bus probably thought I was fucking crazy. I was fetal position, taking up two seats with no shame whilst simultaneously panting.
I'm sorry but you're choosing a girl that faked a pregnancy when you wouldn't return her calls over a more attractive sane girl who you begged for a chance with last week? God you're a loser.
The fun I thought I would be having now when I was six is vastly different from what I am currently doing. Hurraaay sex and vicodin.
Why did you load my phone up with pics of Al Gore?
i just got banned from the m&m's website for trying to get poon slayer written on my custom order
apparently I like to do this thing where I wear pretty dresses and then pee on things on public. Picture proof. Four times last week.
When you wake up to a porn star on your couch telling you, you better tell your boyfriend about last night.
I just timed my pee with a stop watch. From when the main stream started to ended. It was 45.1 seconds. This is the truth trust me.
I just hit 3 trees and a golf cart.. all on the same hole
Put me down for a bogey
Randomize
