Yeah I gave the girl a dirty look. And only a three dollar tip.
My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
you woke up, pulled a beer bottle out of your pants..took a drink and went back to sleep.
I'm officially my mother.. Smoking in the garage pretending to take the dog out in a big ugly jacket
Party priorities: alcohol > girls > music > cups > decorations
He's in bed with me right now. I'm wearing a towel and all I could wish for is my freedom. And pizza.
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
That rando I gave head to on the beach just endorsed me on LinkedIn for Oral Communication Skills. So there's that.
somebody should make me the poster child for not drinking everclear..
Just ate an entire BBQ chicken pizza this better go to my tits
You gave me a bottle of tequila and introduced me to a ginger named cowboy. I actually love you.
I can hear the pillow talk now, "how many condoms did you bring? Good, put them all on,"
I used my mad pharmacist skills to turn ordinary birth control into morning after. I think my professors would be proud.
Sober sex is weird like I didn't expect this when I got clean
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
Randomize
