My head feels like little people r playing bumper cars inside it
i never thought i'd have to say "please stop having sex on me"
wow.
yeah, it was that bad.
why did they invent bidet's? your butt gets clean when your poop falls in the toilet and splashes up anyway...
imagine a blue Jetta with an ILLINOIS license plate that read JISLORD..... upon pondering it for 10minutes I came to the conclusion that J stood for JESUS and IF the license plate had enough room it would read "Jesus Is Lord"
Well, I'm eating cake, watching wedding videos of people I don't know, and crying. Clearly I'm a vision of mental health today
Apparently you can coat check a keg.
I know you're on vacation but you should know I just walk of shamed through a hotel lobby while leaving a threesome on Friday the 13th. Fuck superstition, I win.
I should've been more social I guess. I feel bad not meeting the people who willingly sucked alcohol out of my navel...
New brilliant plan: invite two random okcupid girls to the same bar at the same time, have them compete
Awkwardly walking by your fuck buddy and waving a casual hi in his direction like nothing has happened is probably the best thing in my life
Still riding the magical train of drugs so, yeah, Id say I feel great
He said he’s shouting let’s get this bread the first time we have sex...
He’s very straightforward
If we both don't have awesome filthy sexual experiences to share in the morning...we are no longer best friends.
Yup we found her. The bouncer was carrying her out
I think she lost me at about the point where the words “Ice Cream Enema” were spoken.
Randomize
