apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
a stripper queefed in my friends mouth last night and it reminded me of you. miss you
it's circumsized.
I think this conversation is over.
Somebody spraypainted a transformers head on a transformer box..my life is complete
Well, I just watched him puke into his pitcher at the bar, I doubt he cares about anything other than the fact that he needs a new beer.
I'm sure I'm not the FIRST newly single girl to table dance at a family restaurant.
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
Also, am I the only one who noticed he didn't fuck you until after you were technically a cripple? Or am I reading into this too much? Congrats on that btw
It's definitively the wine. Every time I can drink and work I feel like I win at the game of life.
I've come to the conclusion all of your awkward and complicated male encounters could easily be intercepted by a man town Yankee candle and a vibrator. Sleep on that tell me your thoughts in the morning. Sweet dreams.
ted dressed as a cardinal led an expedition across campus. i felt like one of the 12 apostles.
oh. oh my god. i just had lunch with my mom with semen still on my face.
Dude at one point I lost you only to find you sitting in the bushes eating pizza.
i stood outside in the bushes for thirty minutes. Do you know how many drunk guys pee in bushes at 2 am?
QUIT STEALING MY PHONE AND SEXTING MY MOM!!!!
Randomize
