Your mouth is God's brothel.
I've been here 20 minutes and some creepy old man told me he wanted to know what my insides felt like. I hate gay bars.
just wondering who decided to put a cup of throw up in my fridge
Please do NOT set off the smoke alarm when I am tied to the bed like this...
I'm pretty sure I just woke up to one of the airport janitors saying that she wanted to tie me up and do something.. I couldn't hear what, thank god
As girls, Bert & Ernie are not very bangable costumes. At least not by who we'd want to get banged by.
I was kidding. But I promise you I'd still find us the most eligible bangables, even if we dressed up like a dumpster and a prom night baby.
I vaguely remember trying to exfoliate my face with your leg hair. Sorry about that.
Ugh. This is the type of hangover that all other hangovers want to grow up to be.
I don't give a damn about what he wants to do with his life. Personalities are for pussies.
Stop leaving me alone with my ex boyfriends after keg challenges. Woke up in his bed covered in what you think would be cum. No...toothpaste. He left a note. "Be home at four. Don't be here when I get back."
Last night I made the hotel shuttle driver take me to Walgreens for birth control, and Pringles.
They were both high priority
Update - might be back in your neighbor's good graces. She liked the framed photo I gave her of me on the tractor with my business out.
I think people are normalizing furries
If I'm able to walk tomorrow morning, I'm gonna be really disappointed with myself...
Was cussing out our DD when one of the strippers takes him backstage. WTF
They call him magic hands is all I know.
Somethings are best left a mystery
Randomize
