So drunk i had to piss sitting down...
Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
Please don't tell me I was shouting "I'm bleeding from my vagina" in front of my ex-boyfriend and his new girlfriend.
Just bought an airhorn. Bad things will happen.
After all the hair products he's stolen from me, he better fucking be gay.
remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
His thanks his mom for not having an abortion at his wedding toast. I love frat weddings.
No The bastards made me buy a new one, They don't cover water damage an apparently they consider salsa water damage
Love me.
GO THE FUCK TO BED IT'S 3AM I AM NOT TAKING YOU TO MCDONALDS.
Just for one nugget?
We were watchin sharknado and we hooked up while I had the Donald Trump shirt on. She said she felt like he was staring at her
A to Z: fucking your way through the alphabet
It'll be a kids book
I think I left my thong in your bed. Careful. It has the power to destroy the agitator on a washing machine
How much of a thot would I be if I put this pic up? On a scale of thot-ish to Queen of Thotlandia
Babe, I'm gunna be straight with you. When you act like a dick it makes me regret not fucking my manager last week.
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
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