And he just showed me his vera bradley wallet...
Can you really blame Steve Phillips? He went to Michigan. Plowing fat girls is a 100-level course there.
you tried to do a keg stand and ended up flipping over it and onto the table
I woke up at 2 pm to my roommate checking my pulse.
Sandwiches are there for you when porn isn't.
Tell your boyfriend I'm sorry for ruining his vein. I'm never drawing blood drunk again.
Ever have those mornings where you just can't wait to puke in the shower?
Well when you get back to your computer, there's a nice explanation of pansexuality on your Skype.
There is a man playing a trumpet at this brunch and I hate life. Too hungover for this. Send help ASAP.
He'd rather cuddle with his shitty little miniature dog than the half naked girl in his bed. I've lost all hope for him and my vagina
I got frustrated so I just stood up and said take me to bed or lose me forever and banged the first guy who responded show me the way home. Thank you Top Gun.
No one parties "Full Karen". She once broke a couple up at the bar, ate the girl out in the bathroom and took the guy home.
You really need to not quote Anchorman while I'm giving you a serious blowjob.
He fucked me for my Netflix login, I fucked him for his HBO login, and actually I think that's beautiful
He's such a jerk. If only his penis was attached to someone else
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