Whose surfboard did we steal and why is there a wood carving of a pelican in the fridge where the beer used to be?
This is the 4 year anniversary of the last time I shit my pants. Let's get drunk...
The KFC double down is way too much for a drunk. He was just staring at it in awe.
I answered the my mom's phone call about what we're doing for father's day while he was still fucking me. She thought I seemed really excited about his hiking boots present.
You're being dramatic. You can calm down, or you can piss off. Either way, I ate your burrito.
You did a jig for the bouncer when you saw him. Just reminding you.
I'm lying here drinking water from a shot glass..moving is not an option right now
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
I understand, but unless there is an intervention for me being planned, i DON NOT want to talk about my life choices
My goal in life is to ruin sex for someone. To be so mindblowingly unreal that they can never find anyone like me ever again. So far it's going well.
RUDE you're the one missing half a nipple...
IT HEALED AND GREW BACK TO BE A FULL HEALTHY NIPPLE OKAY
Well I've decided to refuse to conform to society and be naked the rest of the day.
My theme for the night was drink diego drink! Unfortunately Dora was not there to navigate me to the bathroom
she crawled a good forty meters just to whisper in my ear... "dildon't"
You told me that you couldn't come over because you felt like you were gonna die and that houses eat you when you die, and my house couldn't eat you because your house would be jealous. That's when I knew to take the bowl away from you.
Randomize
