My nipple is on Facebook.
shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
All i've done since I got back to my room today is take a three hour nap. Like, I even planned to change my pants and haven't even done that yet.
If I buy you $300 worth of popeyes, will that make up for me trashing the house?
I really wish I had added "blowjob on a slide at a playground" to my bucket list before last night.
for a while, i completely forgot that you wrote "fuck me" on my stomach before we went out. when he took my shirt off that night, he just looked down and said, "may i?". i think i'm in love
Well good for him for getting your number before he told you he had no money and needed you to pay for his drink!
He just sent me a picture of himself naked while cooking pancakes and he made the caption "bitchin' in the kitchen"
No. If I hated you would get none. Then I would eat them all in front of you and laugh at your tears. Although that hasn't been ruled out for entertainment purposes. Nothing purposeful.
And then she said "wanna make a vine of me twerking on the wall?"
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
She doesn't even know his real name...he just keeps calling himself Hans the Third
I just farted so loud someone came to check on me. Thought something fell in my office.
Last night she walked off and disappeared from everyone got home at 330 and said she went to the casino with her cab driver.
I ate her out and told her she tasted like pumpkin pie. She screamed that she hated pumpkins and started to cry
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