I'm wearing a childsize birthday hat and a bib. I am the def of sex appeal rite now
Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
i just saw an asian skipping down the street and it made me think of you
there are two kinds of girls in this world: my mom, and sluts.
he told me he's been faithful to his girlfriend and is gonna try to stay that way. challenge accepted.
I'm a lady, I can't pee on the ceiling. Even I don't have that power.
Everyone in the office is in total denial. I asked my boss what he did this weekend and he said "nothing much." But I know we were both thinking about the orgy.
Nothing like the It's a Small World ride at Disneyland to remind you to take your birth control. I took it on the boat yesterday
Would fucking the college coach be against recruiting rules?
i've been hiding in the laundry chute for like thirty minutes from her. not my manliest moment. but dude this is awesome
scratch that I can tell you where she is shes drunk on a beach somewhere being a penis slayer
How bad would it be if I asked him for my "ho ho ho" thong back? They're my fav christmas pair!
Best walk of shame ever. Wearing a bright purple onesie, covered in smudged childrens make up, carrying my shoes and 1/4 sac of goon. I swear every house I walked past had an elderly couple watering their garden just to watch me
My plan for the weekend: 1) Get shit faced in Vegas. 2) Not die
Sorry for trying to baptize you last night
You knew the entire thing in Latin I was so impressed
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