I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
the sex wasnt even worth changing my sheets
someone should tell her that easter eggs aren't meant to be dildos.
As soon as the judge read that I rear ended the car from getting roadhead he chuckled. You know he's been there before.
Dude, you passed out sitting straight up AND in mid sentence last night
As i was laying there shouting that he dislocated my hip he actually reached his armed around and patted himself on the back
My phone autocorrected your name to "grownup." that couldn't be more inaccurate. I'm getting a new phone.
words I never want to hear dad say again: "Trevor you sexy man you"
10/10 dentists agree that he is one bangable mother fucker. hint: i am all of these dentists.
I kept having to give myself encouraging advice like, "you know how a path works"
I just got a lecture from your coked out sister about the monetary value of Dothraki hair braids. Take her home.
Just spent the morning washing Bailey's and Guiness out of my clothes -_-
Accepting his friend request would be the Facebook equivalent of pity sex.
I either forgot underwear this morning or lost them at work and I seriously don't know which.
Trying to figure out why my back is hurting. And then I remember I got fucked up against a tree last night
Randomize
