I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
I bet i've been more pregnant than you.
Ever have a poop and think... that has no business coming out of a human? Like it looks like a sick dog's or a ferral animal's?
I keep waking up with the nagging feeling I gave him half a hand job through his shorts.
Yeah well margarita Wednesday already came twice this week and it's just now Wednesday
How was my weekend? I just blew my nose and a gram of coke fell out. My weekend was fantastic.
I can't blame him for thinking that then, placing a cone shaped potato chip on the tip of his penis post bj is not a normal act of love
Lets have the type of night where its 5am and one of us has definitely punched someone who has been on a Disney Channel show.
After sex he cried I didn't know what to do so I patted him on the back and went to the kitchen to make waffles
All I've done for this 11 hour car ride is kegel and listen to our sex playlist so your dick better be good and ready
pretty sure I blew his mind with the sex last night. He repaid me with a five minute conversation about power rangers.
God dammit everything I said last night about jungle juice being awesome just does not carry over into the next day
I now know he's been cheating for a while. I also know HER name, address, phone number, Facebook account, religion and zodiac sign. I feel like I'm earning my restraining order. Point is, never fuck over a librarian.
Autocorrect changes "sex" to "sec". I have been so long without it my phone thinks I made a mistake.
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
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