shes laying on the floor in a bowl of salsa with her pants half off and she's crying... i dont know what to do...
He just compared himself to a majestic butterfly in regards to the lack of girlfriends. i don't even know what to say.
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
You poured your drink on yourself and then said "it's not a party until I'm wet"
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
All I want is a camelback full of Jameson and the weather to be cool enough for me to wear rainbow spandex. Ugh. Pride problems.
Imagine Captain Hook, but in penis form and sometimes shy.
Last thing I ever expected to say, "Get your finger out of my ear or I will stop sucking your dick."
ALso, saw an adorable man walking an adorable dog with his adorable kid.
And yes, that last sentence is biased because my ovaries started screaming
It sucks laughing and vomiting at the same time, trust me. I kind of remember
Makes sense. My grandma just did this shot. MY FAMILY KICKS ASS.
He called me in the middle of the night to ask my shoe size. Apparently big feet would make me an unsatisfactory third for the threesome.
Please tell your sister I apologize about saying her baby may have beef curtains. That was inappropriate.
Even in drag you're still better looking than your sister.
My life just got so pathetic that I volunteered to work a double on my day off because its saturday and I have nothing else planned
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