I've never been 12-exclamation-point-excited for sex. That must have been good.
My teachers should feel privileged to see me this morning, after the amount of alcohol I consumed last night.
Hey bro u need to come home now, me and andy just had a 15 minute conversation about fig newtons. f this bong
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
You fucked everything up-can't pass a cleared kitchen table without getting hard
you're expensive. Idk about all this. What happened to free make outs?
Sobriety and mild self-respect
He told me that his favorite part about me is hearing my voice while we fuck. I think that was the nicest thing he has EVER said to me.
We couldn't find the paddle I had gotten so he just spanked with my tennis raquet
I think you'll be amused to know that I achieved the impossible feat of tripping over my own dick
im too broke to be in a relationship this close to the holidays
No like I actually peed on the treadmill. As it was running
I think I'm still high. And I definitely still smell like lobster, so there's that
Ordered a pizza stoned. The guy handed me my pizza and I tried to pay him by handing him back the pizza.
His life is a porno. He snapped me while banging a girl in the back of the ambulance.
Good, I don't think Coke dipped ring pops hold up in the mail anyway.
Randomize
