Some 6 yr old girl just got on my plane in St. Louis. She was wearing an I Love Canada shirt. She eyed the seat next to me and I stared her straight in the eyes and shook my head. Fuck her. Fuck canada.
I like one night stands...theyre like crushes for big kids
My vagina has officially become a vortex for sexually confused frat guys.
The only thing that makes me want to stop the affair is that I am the Monica Lewinksy in this triangle.
koolaid chicken. i marinated it for 2 hours and roasted it on a rock in a fire. it was bright blue and raw. but that shit was tasty
And then he tried to clean the throw up off my pants with 409
I will be your sherpa up the mountain of gayness
i only avoided him because he looked like he was about to have a heart attack and i didnt feel like doing cpr on my day off.
what type of emt are you
My ex wife just asked to go over our divorce papers and for sex in the same text
My arrest report says I was found in midtown "performing lewd and lascivious acts on top of art meant for public display and enjoyment".
Are there edibles for sale in the Denver airport because if so bring those to my mouth
Did I send you a drunk selfie with a pine tree last night?
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
You think the guy at the speed wash knows he needs to scrub the vomit off the side of my car?
He knew.
I was peer pressured into smoking weed by a bunch of LGBTQ teenagers
Randomize
