i think i would be perfectly content if, on my deathbed, i could look back on a life that didn't have any fisting in it
I'm stoned in an empty parking lot listening to dave matthews while looking for a lighter.... I feel like I sent this 7 years ago.
You were dancing on the bar and fell off into the arms of the hot bartender. It was like a fairy tale, with more alcohol.
he said i looked like a lion with slutty lingerie on .
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
Goats are brash and offensive and cocky animals
Are you high and at a petting zoo again?
mallory made a planned parenthood decision maker flow chart again.
I'm so bored right now i'm literally Googleing all the possible ways to get high with household items as my mom is sitting in front of me..
in line at jewel. the cashier is puking in a garbage can while ringing up customers. glad to know im not the only one that 2012 is kicking in the face already.
I vaguely remember making out with some dude. Please tell me he had all of his teeth.
He went down on me while i ate a whole 7/11 pizza. New level unlocked
Don’t fucking talk to that dude from monday!! Ethical consumption dude, don’t fuck shitty guys
Kay so its 9 am whose dumbass is gunna act sober to buy pizza rolls
Dude you promised
You told me you could hear my heartbeat through my penis but your methods were unethical.
Sixty five beats a minute. I stand by that.
"I mean like shit happens" should never be an excuse for anything
Randomize
