I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
I wish i could tell a story about guys I know without the phrase "and then I blew him." coming up.
She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
you have a cum towel under your bed, you're the definition of single
His roomates just started party boying me. He stood there with the look of horror on his face.
You know where a good place to spend summer is? In your head. High as shit. It doesn't matter where you are.
I found a picture of me as a little kid with nothing on except a towel covering one of my nipples and I'm glaring at the camera. Literally nothing has changed except I have boobs now
A baby just tried to pull out his mom's huge tits at work today and nearly succeeded. I was silently cheering for the little guy.
I love the smell of your bedroom. It smells of a mixture of cherries, leather, and unrequited homosexual desire.
Coffee's working. Just killed a fly with my bare hands.\nFuck with me.
Thanks for wearing matching bob ross shirts to the bar with me and referring to every guy as a happy little accident
I'm like a sensual ninja. You turn your head for a second and.... BOOM I'm naked. It's like a naughty magic trick.
I’ve had a lot of vodka, 3 different dicks and no food since last night. Come get me
The only thing I remember about us having sex is yelling at him to choke me.
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