I put the beer in my little red riding hood basket.
come home now. i got a twizzler tangled in my hair again
I just past a guy who was biking and double fisting wit glass beer bottles. That is what i call talent
When did you hit me on the head with a stool?
we should drop off a car at the police station before going out tonight so we can drive home in the morning
I created another version of Halloween, it's called swalloween, whatever girl in a slutty costume you bring home has to swallow or forever be known as the holiday grinch
I realised my life had gone downhill since being unemployed when I was making key lime pie on acid at 3am Tuesday morning.
How do I politely say my vagina is not a chew toy and if you bite me again I will slap you?
You could say take it easy, whoa there, be gentle, anything that doesn't fully convey the horror.
Dude I introduced the hot Russian girl to the hot Ukrainian girls. I am a UN ambassador
Would it be weird if your parents sold me weed?
its one thing to be single and another thing to be single and then have your profile picture be of you and the cat
your picture is with misty too!!
I AM SINGLE BY CHOICE
Haha, how do I word that nicely? "You got me to the edge of no return twice and failed to let me orgasm, therefore you owe me chicken nuggets or hot wings. Your decision"
The fake number she gave me was for Pappa John's. Now I have a large pepperoni on the way.
Not at all! I'll let your potential employer know you have a huge dick
He's being awfully beer snobby for a guy who ordered salad
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