It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
You totally left a blue butt print on our banister
Well I think we can all agree that that's better than then bowl of puke I left last time.
we couldn't find any funnels so we taped a spaghetti strainer to a pool noodle and it worked fairly well
I think there's a website warning girls about me based on the 4 who approached me separately tonight and called me evil. Fuckyoudave.com?
I'm bringing Sergeant Single Slut out this weekend. I hope you're ready for her.
I'm pretty sure I did the Macarena with a gay guy while shot gunning a beer
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
I made out with about ten people last night. And four of them were just on the way to my car from the bar. And one was my roommate.
What eyeshadow color says "yes I am at the dentist, and yes I am hungover please don't judge my life choices"
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
Stocking up on Wasabi powder. Nobody's tampons are safe.
The Royals are in the World Series. I've never drank so much in one week in my life.
Is it illegal to hookup with your fathers god child?
Like I didn't gracefully walk into these feelings. No, I fucking stumbled and fell face fucking first.
like, there should be nothing wrong with me wanting to watch you put on a bikini and roll around in a kiddie pool of jello
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