What are these yellow papers in the kitchen?
These are the tickets we got last night.
Did i sign this one as Grizzly Bear?
Yes...yes you did.
hooking up with chicks might be the way to go after all. walk of shame looks better in her clothes.
Having sex with her was like reading the Wall Street Journal.
she said if I bought her franzia she would blow me, and she would fuck me if I splurged on martini and rossi. Franzia it is
Went biking. Saw homeless guy beating in the park. Thought of you <3
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
Yeah I think we tried to use the shower curtain as a parachute because its tied to my backpack with some string. Dont know if anyone actually attempted it though.
SANTA'S REAL. I GOT MY PERIOD.
He thought the strainer was a giant bowl to puke in.
He has a clip art-style heart tattooed on his hip. I hated him way before I saw his tiny dick.
I won't drink with you again until you promise to not feed me anymore paper bags
I went to the bar saying i wasn't going to drink that much. I forgot sobriety might as well be some mythical creature when you're with Holleey
I'm pretty sure you and I ate the entire Keebler elf weed workshop
you're the one asking for my vibrator at 4 in the morning so reconsider your life
Look on the bright side, one day you will get to tell your grandkids how grandpappy got roofied on his 21st and woke up in a for sale house missing his shoes
Randomize
