I just met a guy from Australia at the bar. I asked him what it was like down under and he told me if I went home with him he'd let me find out. I love Australians.
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
he said i was the most charming throwing up drunk person hes ever taken care of. so of course i had sex with him.
i will trade you pizza and a blowjob for a fifth of vodka.
do i get to eat the pizza while you give me the blowjob?
I feel a whole lot better than i did this morning at 3 when one of my roommates discovered me slightly aware of my surroundings and naked in the bath tub with the shower on
maby next time we don't finish the whole box wine just because it tastes like shit
My dad just bought me a 40. I consider this our peace treaty.
I asked him why he was eating an entire can of refried beans, the only answer I got was "revenge"
Just told some little girl not to judge me as I brushed my teeth in the target bathroom
I got you a "sorry you think I'm pregnant" present
Is it weird that i want a guy to ask me to homecoming by spelling it out in meatballs?
THATS VERY WEIRD
I know we were going to go hiking today, but I don’t think I can face reality until Wednesday
"Accidentally" bump into him after class.
I'm gonna "accidentally" put his dick in my mouth.
2017 is gonna be explosive... Already watching fireworks out the window while shit my brains out. Happy Ew Year
just had a woman ask me to donate my eggs so that her baby could look like me. don't know whether to get a restraining order or be flattered. thoughts?
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Randomize
