you opened the fridge, pissed on the food, fell over, then threw up on yourself. thats whats all over the kitchen.
i'll never see her again. i cant remember her last name. this is like cinderella except prince charming drank too much jameson and couldnt save a phone number properly
How can I look at her with a straight face when she has dry puke on her eye lid
He honestly told me my belt was "supercute" when we started hooking up. I would be the girl to find the only straight man in the world that uses the word "supercute".
I just did the math, I've had 8 hours of sleep in the last 3 days. Not sure if that means I am dedicated to my sex life or my job...
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
I swear she looks like a sloth.... I'll toss a coin...
How do you tell an ex that banging less hot chicks than me is highly insulting? I almost want to try and get him laid with a pretty girl just to save some face for dating him so long.
He had to put the child locks on the windows so you would stop screaming at random boys
So besides your brother walking in on you shaving and singing "I'm gonna get asssss" how was your night
I'm getting "congrats on your engagement" shots. I need to get engaged more often!
There is a high pitched squealing noise coming from somewhere in my house. I hope it's a gas leak cause I'm over this week man.
i feel as though me waking up and asking her if i went to the hospital was a sign that i was not okay
Every dick I’ve had or wanted in the last year is married. It’s like I became a professional home wrecker after I graduated.
My GF, FWB and Side piece are all booty calling me. I’m a victim of my sexual success
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