Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
peeing in bathroom at penn station and the homeless man next to me is combing his beard with a fork...god I love new york
He just asked me if his big had a curved penis. Awkward? I think so.
Hey man your outta milk
How the hell do you keep getting in my apartment?!
I found the perfect eye liner, it passed the blow job test, no smudging!!
Even when you're not here I still manage to get pad thai in my vagina
I knew I fucked up when I woke up with the meat scissors in my hand.
So the bump is from hitting my head in an elevator. Apparently I dived into a cab head first too.....
I just text my one night stand Happy Easter on her way home...now would be a good time for the lord to smite me.
don't give me stepladders when i'm stoned.. i woke up to a slice of balogna nailed to the ceiling
I will run into the sunset with a fist full of condoms.
The closest I'll come to committing is leaving sex toys at their house
THERE IS A DOG IN THE CLUB. I repeat a dog in the club. I might have laid down and petted it..I have no shame.
i'm the most scandalous girl at stop and shop. i kinda have to fuck him in the meat cooler.
I think a major source of concern would be the fact you snorted a shot. Who does that?
Randomize