I got a chicken sandwich and a frosty out of her. Better then having sex
You know your from las vegas when the girl on the stage in the strip club was in my US gov class senior year
How are you going to be there by 9am?
Relax I always go to these conferences hung over
You say that like it's a positive quality
And then out of the blue she sent me a youtube video mashup of cats puking to techno music
You dont realize corn stalks will cut until you run from the cops through a corn field.
Typcal friday morning so far. Puke, shower, commute/puke, coffee, puke, coffee, bagel, good to go. Lunch today?
I just Tebowed the shit out of her.
Nice and you can't use "Tebow" in the place of every verb.
Sunshine is the equivalent of sprinkling whore pellets on campus.
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
Nothing says Merry Christmas like gifting a bottle of rum and finishing it yourself then leaning over at the dinner table to puke it back up.
Just go read my twitter... There's a play by play. It starts with a penis pump
Apparently calling shotgun while getting put into a police car is frowned upon
This German chick looked me up and down for a while. Then she grabbed my crotch, let go after a few seconds, and said "you vill do". I think I'm gonna like tonight.
My neighbor is burning all of her ex's things in a metal drum outside the window. Guess who's going to make a new friend?
I’m going to cut back. New Year, New Me
I would never wish less dick on anyone but do what you gotta do
Randomize
