I wish that guy wasn't missing teeth
I just threw up while getting a haircut. I'm never trying to accomplish stuff with a hangover again.
just taught 3 girls from korea how to fist pump on chat roulette.
I think I've hugged the toilet more times than I've hugged my own family members.
Why do you think it's a no-pants party?
Invite says "dress to impress". Her fault for leaving it open to interpretation.
I did the mature thing and subtweeted that bitch. She follows me so she'll see.
WHY IS IT FROWNED UPON THE DRESS UP IN CAT COSTUMES AND SIT OUTSIDE OF BARS WITH A BOX OF WINE I THOUGHT THIS WAS AMERICA
Your boobs stole my birthday thunder!
I told him I had an IUD and he asked me how was a bomb a form of birth control..
she used her teeth again, but this time it was out of love
She's got Mike in the bathroom. He's covered in meat.
Jealous. I want an iud. Maybe there's a late night bodega that'll insert one for me
Pretty sure the delivery guy saw me taking a shit this morning
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
Umm my dog ate your vibrator. Sorry 😬
Randomize
