The vibrating part of my dildo broke, now I have to rely on gyration.
Did you see the soccer ref give that girl the red card as she was being kicked out of the party?
In your drunken brilliance did you make bagel with what appears to be mac and cheese smeared on top and pink icing dip? Because if so it is sitting on the counter
is it sad that i can honestly say it was the best birthday sex i've ever had and it was still terrible?
My dad and I just got asked if "we wanted a more intimate setting for our date". The world is coming to an end.
Strip club for my birthday. And none of this discrimination shit. We're going to a guys one and girls one. Go get your singles.
Right now, millions of people are waking up to get ready for work, start their day, and be productive members of society. I just found a 40 stashed in my fridge. I'm getting daybreak drunk. Zero fucks are given.
Isn't being unemployed beautiful sometimes?
My book, "How to Live With a Huge Penis" was delivered today. Can't wait to read it in public.
My potted cactus died. I am literally less nurturing than the desert.
You know you're an adult when you start planning your hookup a week in advance
I know, dude. If he ends up having a tiny dick, I will literally pack it back into his pants and leave. Not worth the aggravation.
Do you remember vividly describing the shape and girth of my cock to that girl last night?
Makes hanging out interesting when she lights you on fire just to roll ontop of you to 'put you out'.
You set a couch on fire in my brothers backyard?
Just the cushions
I got sriracha sauce on my mask while I was eating fast food, now wearing it makes me hungry
Randomize
