If a girl drunk dials you she's at least entertained the idea of sleeping w/ you correct?
YES
I didn't want to talk to him so I just started telling him how important Jesus was to me
Apparently I was pointing at birds and yelling "YOU USED TO BE A DINOSAUR!!!"
I don't think my prof knows we've noticed her No Bra Fridays.
my self respect just called, its having a good time without me
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
Walk of shaming dressed as a zombie hunter. This hangover feels like the actual apocalypse.
I mean you guys are my friends and all but if you fuck with me I will not hesitate to set you on fire
This teachers last name is pfister and she did the fisting motion to help explain how to pronounce her name. This class might be good
cocks speak louder than words, as they say
Nobody says that.
I'll pay you to write the paper but not for sex. You should only get paid for something you work hard at.
It's the best! If I had one wish it would be for life to be one really long gay porno. Thats what I wish for during every 11:11.
It was marvelous. I was drunkenly conversing with my professor in some of the best Spanish I've ever spoken.
She's not answering my calls
Well it sounds like you really fucked up
WHO HOLDS A GRUDGE OVER MEMES
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
Randomize
