what day is it and did you see me today?
Decided against hooking up with creepy stalker guy for a ride to work. I feel I've earned a few self respect points back.
Someone jacked my earrings off me or I threw em in the toilet again
I hate when that happens
You rode him down the last flight of stairs like a human sled.
On that note I give you a 10 for sticking the landing and staying on the whole ride.
It is way too early in the summer for me to be coming into work still drunk.
This girl came outta nowhere yelling HOLD MY DICKKKKKK!
There are two things I love in this world. Dick and cats. Why can't I just have dick and cats forever
You are. Embrace it. But you are the right kind of asshole.
As if finding out the man you just had sex with is married isn't bad enough, it gets so much more awkward when his wife comes in to comfort you...
I don't care how much you're grieving a loss, masturbating off the side of a roof is not acceptable mourning behavior.
I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
HIS NAME IN MY PHONE IS JOSHUA DREAMCHASER I CAN NOT
NO SHAME NOVEMBER
ITS THE FIRST FRIDAY NIGJT AFTER MOVING IN WITH THE NEW ROOMIE AND I ACTUALLY JIST RIPPED MY TAMPON OUT AND THREW IT IN THE NEIGHBORS YARD WERE GOINF ON THE BOAT AND SLEPEING IN HIS AMBULANCE GOODNIGHT
I'm literally in the bathroom for two minutes and I walk out to a random dude with his face in your tits
I just spontaneously learned how to embroider at three in the morning.
I also almost burned the house down in the process. Don't ask me how. It's a long story.
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