U know its gonna be a great day when the guy at the liquor store waves at u cause u walked by
i think i got so emotional from a mix of getting my period and slapping the bag like five times
i can't believe you were mixing vodka with green tea last night and enjoying it.
i should bottle and sell it. my slogan could be "green tea vodka. antioxidating while intoxiacting. your liver will thank you. "
Only if you bring Listerine. I can't come home to my husband from a bachelorette party with spermbreath again.
She bought a fucking hedgehog. And that's just the tip of the crazy iceberg.
Sorry for drunk singing "love hurts" to you at 3 am.
Living room yoga. I'm too hungover to deal with anyone else's chi today.
I thought I walked in on an orgy of smurfs. Man I love shrooms
We thought she was passed out on the toilet, but she raised her head to tell me the word I couldn't remember was "empathize." Then she puked blood and passed out.
im suggesting it to him. and by suggesting i mean we're not having sex again unless im wearing high heels
Just witnessed a fat waitress doing whipits in the back of a waffle house.. my life seems a little brighter..
all his sexual metaphors involve condiments, should I worry?
Did we have sex last night?
No. You laid in my bed and I brought you taco bell.
I literally ate pizza on a toilet and made up reasons as to why you should make out with that boy. I am unstoppable.
PSA Do not blow dry your junk.
Randomize
