I am puke
I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
Todays outfit involves shorts with embroidered fish. This kids gonna die.
I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
Just deleted any ex boyfriends and potential lovers from my phone in preparation for Vegas...
and all i could think about was how mcdonalds would not be open anymore after we were done having sex
The last thing I said to him last night before telling him he couldn't give me a kiss goodnight was pointing at his dick then at me and saying "this isn't working out"
I miss living with her. She was the only person who was a bigger train wreck than I am.
Regardless of age or alcohol consumption, the knowledge that my dad spanks my mom sexually has the very real potential to fuck my shit up.
You don't have a wife, you don't have a dog, and you need a new bong. Don't make this any worse than that.
My genitals don't want beer. They want to not feel like they wandered into a hornet's nest.
It's 10:15 on a Wednesday night and my dick is covered in pop rocks. How's your Wednesday going?
I don't think I used nearly enough fucks in my reply to convey the level of fuck him.
Somewhere on my work laptop I have a map visualizing all the area codes that Ludacris has ho's
I hope that wasn't done on billed time
I can guarantee that it was
Good news! Blood’s flowing!
Randomize
