I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
apparently, it's not a good idea to make jokes about sending newborns through airport security xrays. the moms dont see the humor.
But why'd she put it on the conveyor then?
I'm way too horny to be at work right now. I think it might be legally irresponsible to leave me alone with cucumbers.
Don't judge me. It was less weird than it sounds when we were in the moment and it was his birthday
Places you have drunkenly threatened to piss: my bed, my bros bed, my moms bed, my bros wedding
she laid there and continued moaning loudly for like 10 minutes after we were done, just so that her mom would be jealous
1.) where are you? 2.) you making meatballs? 3.) Meatballs for sex?
We're in the emergency room. He concussed himself trying to pop all the bubbles on my "one bubble a day" wall calender with his face.
I could study for finals and ace all my tests but wheres the fun in that? id rather black out and hope for the best
SHE SITS THERE LIKE A DICK LIKE AN ACTUAL DICK JUST LIMP AND DUMB AND BLAH
I mean, "boo" isn't the appropriate response to someone dying...
Are you ok?
They gave me a cat until I fall asleep. His name is fluffy because he's fluffy.
I woke up in a bush somewhere in Tucson with a full suit on. Great way to end my birthday.
So many questions so I’ll prioritize. How did I survive last night?
He’s 48, has a Prince Albert piercing and a white Range Rover
Randomize
