i dont know whats so great about being respectable.
Just tried to fight the dj at cowboys because he would'nt play freebird. Pick me up now.
we took turns throwing up in the kitchen sink last night...no i am not doing the dishes
She was so adorably desperate I didn't have the heart to tell her I wasn't a lesbian. So now She's making waffles, may switch teams over this.
It was her first time with a girl so I put on my tegan and Sara playlist to really get the full experience.
I feel I should make it clear.....I'm not stalking you, I'm stalking ur dick. You don't even need to talk when you get here. At 4am I think we'd both prefer that anyway.
At dinner her sister yelled "he fucked me AND mom!! Up your standards hoe!!" Safe to say I ruined that family
I'm giving random strangers at the bar sips of my fishbowl, then telling them I have Ebola. It's a fun night.
Nothing says "happy birthday" like a negative pregnancy test
Nothing says I love you like a silicone dragon dick
I tried to feed the cat bread. I told her it was the body of Christ. That seemed to work.
You don't have a cat...
I think he thought I was too drunk to handle his parrot
And to be clear I have only watched porn like 3 times at work
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
There is a sex dungeon behind the wine cellar. This is why I hate showing foreclosures.
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