My ass is singing 4 different tunes right about now... Taco Bell was a bad idea!
doooooooo herrrrrrrrr
I'm out of practice. be my yoda
put your penis in her you must.
He just made me a heart out of cocaine... i think i'm in love
I recommend just blowing him. It's always the way to go.
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
I'm going to need to borrow your helmet cam for my Wednesday night blackouts.
I don't know what that means. But if you take off your pants, you'll probably get arrested.
Se wrote an essay in class about proper and fashionable winter wear for dogs. Of course I regret fucking her.
So far I consider it a great summer because I have had to buy Plan B a total of zero times
You leaned over to me in the elevator and whispered "how long do I have to pretend to be sober?"
last night i fell off a barstool and busted my nose. i can regretfully say that i didn't see cherub last night.
Very unfortunate to find out the kid who took your virginity has never seen Star Wars🙃
That awkward moment when you bring a guy back to your place then have to tell him you only have magnums.
I JUST NEEDED TO TELL YOU I JUST FUCKED TWO BOYS IN THE SPAN OF LIKE THREE HOURS AND ONE OF THEM WAS MY SISTERS PROM DATE FROM HIGH SCHOOL IM LOWKEY BOTH PROUD AND ASHAMED
I'm just going to use my debit card. I feel bad buying pizza with the money I stole from my roommate...so I'm going to put it in my piggy bank.
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