you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
Plus she can make a mean sandwich! That's all I really need. Well that and foot jobs...
I woke up to him eating me out, listening to classical music.
He introduced himself to me as "the gayest gay who ever gayed." I like him already.
eta to your mouth 5 minutes
BTW my friend remembers her as "the one with the pronounced chin"
Just walk of shamed past a 5 year old on my way out of my booty call. He waved at me. Is this the single life I've been missing?
I put a bagel at the end of my bed so every time I want a bite I have to do a sit up
It has now been 10 days since we last saw Sebastians penis
He just started dry humping the air... I'm done
All I wanted was to die alone with my dogs....how did I end up here
I don't know if I should laugh or punch you
I was so drunk I got stuck in the middle of a revolving door
i left you alone for two hours TWO HOURS & when i got back i had to rush you to the hospital because you were covered in Smooth Away pads & drinking the bong water..
I woke up and there was a tiny sombrero on my penis. Care to explain?
Is there a subtle way to tell him he needs to hydrate? 8 years of yoga and kegels. He has no idea what I’m going to do to him this weekend
Randomize
