I discovered last night there is no graceful way to remove your face from your gf's crotch when your parents walk in the room
so I was thinking like, Rob Pattinson could make so much money whoring himself out dressed as Edward Cullen.
yeah, I mean if he's down to fuck a lot of fat chicks and stare at Tiger Beat posters of himself above the bed...
So the waitress at the Chinese Buffet totally just said "Adios" to a Hispanic couple. There's something you don't see every day.
some girl just asked me how to spell unconscious. I really want to know what she was texting.
Miss Michigan hasn't even been Miss USA for 24hrs and already stripper pole pics are surfacing. Classy.
So for a second i just thought clitoris was a disease.
I'm cooking a can of baked beans on the baseboard heater. It is too early in the semester to be this poor.
in light of our recent drunken behavior, i think it's time we seriously consider hiring ourselves a babysitter.
But I feel like studying my flashcards during a blowjob would be rude...
Sadly him cutting me out of the duct tape dress was NOT the most awkward part of the night. It was a littleeee moist under there.....
for the record, you never really realize how drunk you still are until you get on rollerskates...
ok. i'm ready for you to come back and test the structural integrity of this futon.
actually there are like 49038098 people in the bathroom for no reason. Singing My Heart Will Go On and pseudo fighting.
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
Trying not to ruin Mother's Day with the enormous hickey on my neck. Nice.
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