are u sure the monkey wasnt drunk too
i feel so shallow. people in iran are using twitter to write hardcore nathan hale shit about dying for freedom. my last tweet was "i hate the taco shits"
I have been standing totally still for the past 6 minutes because I was convinced my foot was tied to the ground. It turns out it was a string of hair strewn across my foot
you have to give me like a days notice for these kinds of things, you cant just call at 9 am and expect me to be sober
He googled "how long will i be drunk" and just started crying
So I am just swinging blind here, but I am guessing that blood in your sinus is not ideal
Medically speaking as your gynecologist and your girlfriend, that is not a rash.
And we're breaking up
Last time Jon threw a party I woke up on my porch, no shirt but 4 bras on, and "make better life choices" written on my stomach in sharpie
As a Chick-Fil-A employee, I think you'd appreciate the visual of me almost accidentally pulling out my wallet with a thong hooked on it as I payed for my waffle fries just now.
When we got home I apparently addressed everyone as 'peasant' since it was my birthday, this followed by me demanding for my "peasants to wash me".
Our sibling relationship has really blossomed into a wonderful mutual acceptance of sluttyness
Just woke up from an extremely erotic dream featuring Steve Buscemi. Now I can't sleep.
Hey remind me the get the pancakes out of my jacket
I got a message the other day that just said “great tits”
A gentleman AND a scholar
Well she's 'call Wayne Gretzky a whore' drunk so you tell me.
Randomize
