You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
she called my cock the "semen sword" and then we invented a position called excalibur
I figured it out. hungover me hates drunk me, drunk me hates sober me, and sober me hates being sober. so yes, were blacking out tonight.
We've finally come to the understanding that as long as our conversation stays stricaly sexual, we get along.
I woke up to my dog trying to clean my vagina.
I've decided, even as much fun as it sounds, I don't care for his sodomy box.
casually drinking alone with your cats. do they like sparks?
i was completely deserted.. so i stood outside starbucks for 20 minutes trying to convince the employees to open early and take care of me.. fuck you guys
New rule. No seeing movies about plane crashes after killer bong rips
Well, my family didn't see me in my drunken super slut state at Summerfest, so there must be a God.
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
Ohhh the usual. Laying in bed reflecting on my decisions
You ripped his router out of the wall and screamed "I have defeated the matrix"
Cmon. I wasn't that bad.
You stumbled ass first into the litter box, and everytime we tried to get you to move you said " if I fits. I sits."
I need a rain check on breakfast. A frat boy said it was his dream to sleep with a MILF, I made his dream come true and he made me cum
There is no way I’m wasting 21 year old morning wood
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